Glossary

Some words used with regard to Mike Kloepfer:

Barrie Lakeshores: The best fucking lacrosse team ever. Look at all those Mann Cups. Every damn Lakeshore should play for the Toronto Rock at some point.

Good Player: According to Kloepfer, anybody who is small or slow or has poor stick skills or a combination of these things is a good player.

Smart Trade: Trading anybody who has played in an all-star game for a second round pick or less. Trading a perennial MVP candidate for guys that produce about a frigging fifth of what he does is an excellent trade.

Goals: A key stat according to Kloepfer. The team should have enough talent to score 5 a game. He cites a Barrie Tornado win in 2005 as a the reason why 5 goals a game is sufficient. Kloepfer thinks that a goal is taking at least 5 poor shots from in close, followed by hitting the back of mesh with the ball from at least 25 feet out. The 5 poor shots is a minimum, and if a player takes a good shot from in close or doesn't play for the Lakeshores he deserves to be punished. If Rob Blasdell is the opposing goalie, then only 10 shots may be taken a game, with 0 goals scored. If one does score against Blasdell, he must complain to the ref that it was illegal.

Shots Against: Again another key stat for Kloepfer. He believes that the team should allow the most shots against their goalie in order to "test" him and "keep him fresh". He believes that 55 shots against is a great game, and anybody who manages to shoot 70 against the Rock will get the players free appetizers at the Spruce Moose.

Loose balls: A stat that can show hustle, grit, and possession time. Simply put, the more loose balls picked up the better. The Rock have somebody, Jimmy Veltman, who is unreal at it, despite being about 7000 years old. They also have a lot of guys who seem to lose them consistently. Kloepfer invites anybody who loses a loose ball battle that leads to a Jarrett Park, Clay Hill, Ryan Cousins or Geoff Snider goal to join him for donuts after the game.

Conditioning: In the mind of Mike Kloepfer this area is especially important, and he has taken a new angle to this. While the New York Titans and Minnesota Swarm are running sprints and doing plyometrics, each off season, Kloepfer leads the Rock on a 10 day conditioning stint which includes his favourite exercises: TV Watching, excessive Beer Drinking, and Donut Eating. He feels that each of these exercises will mould them into quality athletes. After Blaine Manning broke away this year and hired a personal trainer, Kloepfer fined him 100 donuts.

Colin Doyle: One of the most overrated players in the game Kloepfer thinks. A guy that scores 30/60/90 on average doesn't deserve a spot on the team. His 3 championship MVPs, numerous all-star appearances, and deadly stick skills are not assets. He did not deserve to be a part of the Toronto Rock anymore Kloepfer believed.

Wins: The critical thing for judging team success at year end. Kloepfer believes that a team should win at least 6 games, but no more than 7. He thinks that middling results will allow them to keep away those very talented players at the top of the draft, and also keep them out of championship contention. He also thinks that having more goals scored against than you score will lead to great success.