Ratcliff with Kloepfer

I was just thinking about what went on after the blockbuster trade happened about a week ago.

The following takes place at 3:00 AM Eastern Time on Wednesday, March 26th, 2008

Mike Kloepfer is sitting in his living room, eating donuts and watching reruns of Trailer Park Boys proudly admiring the leather jacket he has worn for 5 straight years without once removing it.

He picks up the phone, and dials is newest acquisition, Lewis Ratcliff.

Kloepfer (on the phone with the Ratcliff residence): Hello, can I speak with Lewis?

Ratcliff: It's midnight. Who the hell is this?

Kloepfer: C'mon Lew, its me, Mike Kloepfer.

Ratcliff: Mike Klomper? Buddy look, I don't have time for this now. I have to be at the gym at 6:00 AM tomorrow.

Kloepfer: Not Klomper, Kloepfer.

Ratcliff: Yeah so? Why the hell are you calling me? Who the hell are you?

Kloepfer: I'm the director of lacrosse operations for the Toronto Rock.

Ratcliff: Oh, the guy who traded for me today.

Kloepfer: Yeah, thats me. Listen, I got some suggestions about your game when you play with us in a couple of weeks.

Ratcliff: Can this wait until tomorrow? I am really, really tired...

Kloepfer, interrupting him: I think when you come here, we are going to try to change your role around a little bit.

Ratcliff: What?

Kloepfer: I want you to make sure Ryan Benesch gets the ball on every single play, I don't care if you are wide open, or if another guy is open, but I want you to get Benesch the ball on every play, no matter what.

Ratcliff, suddenly becoming more alert: You want me to pass the ball when I'm wide open?

Kloepfer: I know it seems odd, but you are really being brought in here to kick start Benesch. If he goes, then the team goes.

Ratcliff, wondering about guys like Blaine Manning and Aaron Wilson making his new team go: So if Ryan Benesch is on the floor, he gets the ball?

Kloepfer: Yes, exactly! Thats why we brought you in. To make sure Benesch gets the ball every possession.

Ratcliff (questioning him): You said in an article in the Globe or something today that I was going to be a big part of the offence.

Kloepfer: That was a cover. Sanderson wasn't getting Benesch the ball enough and that is why we traded him.

Ratcliff: You know I scored 50 goals last year. Benesch has like 11 this year. I have more than double that.

Kloepfer: Stats don't matter to me, they are hogwash. I don't use objective player evaluation measures like statistics and skill level. The only thing that matters is if you played for Barrie at some point in your life or not. You have never played for Barrie, Lewis. I brought in Benesch to lead this team, and you are just going to come along for the ride. Aren't you excited to be part of the Rock?

Ratcliff (with sarcasm oozing in his voice, while realizing Benesch never played for Barrie): Sure Mike! I can't fucking wait!

Kloepfer: Great, I'll see you at practice in a couple of weeks.

Ratcliff proceeds to hang up the phone.

The next day, after doing some research, he found out that Mike Kloepfer got to where he is today by being the owners of some lacrosse teams in Barrie. That is all he has done to run the most successful lacrosse team of the last decade.

Ratcliff suddenly begins dreaming about playing for Kurt Silcott again.

Conversation

If you were to go into the Mike Kloepfer's office, and listen to his conversations for one day, I am sure a typical one would go something like this (taken from late December 2006):

Kloepfer: Hey is this Johnny Mouradian?

Mouradian: Yeah this is Johnny. Who is this?

Kloepfer: This is Mike Kloepfer, the new Director of Lacrosse Operations for the Toronto Rock.

Mouradian: Oh hey.

Kloepfer: So I got a proposition for you Johnny.

Mouradian: Yeah, and what would that be?

Kloepfer: What would you give me for Colin Doyle?

Mouradian: You are going to trade Colin Doyle?

Kloepfer: We feel that since he is not from Barrie and that he never played for the Kings or for any team in the great Barrie area that he is expendable. I know he averages about 90 points a season, can play through punishment among the best in the league, and has made the all-star team several times, but we are desperate to unload him.

Mouradian (still in shock): You want me to take Colin Doyle off your hands? You know the guy was second in league scoring last year.

Kloepfer: We are aware of that, he just isn't what we are looking for in our team. He brings far too much talent and the fact that he never played for Barrie really hurts him.

Mouradian: Well Mike, we'd love to have Doyle here in California. Who do you want for him? Zywicki, Rosyski, Sedgwick...a defenceman?

Kloepfer: Zywicki and Rosyski will both have a shot at 40 goals this year, that is far too talented for us. I know Zywicki played in Orillia, but he is an Ottawa kid, not what we are looking for. Sedgwick isn't my type of player How about Wiles, hes played for me for a long time.

Mouradian: No way we are trading Wiles. Didn't Fines play for you?

Kloepfer: Yeah, I'll take him.

Mouradian: Alright, and I assume you want another guy?

Kloepfer: Well one is good but we can take 2.

Mouradian (feeling bad for Kloepfer at this point): How about that first overall pick of ours, Benesch?

Kloepfer: Perfect! A small forward is just what we are looking for.

Mouradian: Alright, now we can iron this thing out.

Kloepfer: Are you sure you don't want Manning and Sanderson, two Excelsiors?

Mouradian (now just confused): Naw, we will be OK with just Doyle thanks.